Ash goedker
three poems
Origin Story
When have we been close on Mother’s Day?,
I wonder, as the phone rings 1,545 miles away.
I wait for you to answer, shrink in the recall
of years, gestures elusive as I swat the steam
rising from my bathwater. An undulating current
widens and skims the edges of the tub as we talk
shallow, until you summon my sick disposition
at birth: you screamed so loud I was afraid
the neighbors would hear. You’re surprised
I became a poet. What does that mean, mom?
I slip into the bath, to myself, the ugly duckling
that I am, cradled and warm. You always held on
to things, you say, so mad at me if I didn’t come get you.
Ode to Momma
The sun bares satin, swarms you and me in my office,
the picture of you, I mean, of you in your twenties:
you sit with a mirror in front of you, poised
as you turn from reflection, forever in a pivot
to fix your earring, caught like your smirk,
you look as though someone just mentioned how
beautiful you truly are, as if you redirected them—
imagine how the horizon absolves the whistling
nostrils of your horses in the fall, a sigh, your face
soft as if you are with the field in your teens again.
Oh momma, something tells me you haven’t been
told enough just how beautiful you really are
every time you speak of young you
running to the violets peppered and wild.
Erasure: My Brother’s Apology
Note: this poem refers to suicide
From my brother’s final text to us siblings, September 21st, 2022 at 2:52 pm
Well, I think I screwed it all up.
I always felt so alone and
scared my whole life, and she
took that away. I never
thought she grow cold to me,
and it seemed to happen
overnight. It's more than I can
bear. I love you guys. I'm so
sorry. I regret my whole life. I
really tried to do the right
things, but somehow it was
always the wrong thing. I wish
I could start over and do it
right. I also am almost certain
that I have literal demons
gnawing at my mind, because
things are always jumping out
at me, tormenting me, and I'm
certain I'm cursed. I'm so
scared. I don't remember not
being scared. I'm really sorry,
I just can't go on anymore. I
wish I could see you guys one
more time and give you all
hugs. I don't want to hurt you.
I love you so much.
Well, I think I screwed it all up.
I always felt so alone and
scared my whole life and she
took that away. I never
thought she grow cold to me,
and it seemed to happen
overnight. It's more than I can
bear. I love you guys. I'm so
sorry. I regret my whole life. I
really tried to do the right
things, but somehow it was
always the wrong thing I wish
I could start over and do it
right. I also am almost certain
that I have literal demons
gnawing at my mind, because
thingsare always jumping out
at me, tormenting me, and I'm
certain I'm cursed. I'm so
scared. I don't remember not
being scared. I'm really sorry,
I just can't go on anymore. I
wish I could see you guys one
more time and give you all
hugs. I don't want to hurt you.
I love you so much.
Well, I think I screwed it all up.
I always felt so alone and
scared my whole life and she
took that away. I never
thought she grow cold to me,
and it seemed to happen
overnight. It's more than I can
bear. I love you guys. I'm so
sorry. I regret my whole life. I
really tried to do the right
things, but somehow it was
always the wrong thing. I wish
I could start over and do it
right. I also am almost certain
that I have literal demons
gnawing at my mind, because
things are always jumping out
at me, tormenting me, and I'm
certain I'm I'm cursed. I'm so
scared. I don't remember not
being scared. I'm really sorry,
I just can't go on anymore. I
wish I could see you guys one
more time and give you all
hugs. I don't want to hurt you.
I love you so much.
Well, I think I screwed it all up.
I always felt so alone and
scared my whole life, and she
took that away. I never
thought she grow cold to me,
and it seemed to happen
overnight. It's more than I can
bear. I love you guys. I'm so
sorry. I regret my whole life. I
really tried to do the right
things, but somehow it was
always the wrong thing. I wish
I could start over and do it
right. I also am almost certain
that I have literal demons
gnawing at my mind, because
things are always jumping out
at me, tormenting me, and I'm
certain I'm cursed. I'm so
scared. I don't remember not
being scared. I'm really sorry,
I just can't go on anymore. I
wish I could see you guys one
more time and give you all
hugs. I don't want to hurt you.
I love you so much.
Well, I think I screwed it all up.
I always felt so alone and
scared my whole life, and she
took that away. I never
thought she grow cold to me,
and it seemed to happen
overnight. It's more than I can
bear. I love you guys. I'm so
sorry. I regret my whole life. I
really tried to do the right
things, but somehow it was
always the wrong thing. I wish
I could start over and do it
right. I also am almost certain
that I have literal demons
gnawing at my mind, because
things are always jumping out
at me, tormenting me, and I'm
certain I'm cursed. I'm so
scared. I don't remember not
being scared. I'm really sorry,
I just can't go on anymore. I
wish I could see you guys one
more time and give you all
hugs. I don't want to hurt you.
I love you so much.
ash goedker
received her MFA in poetry at the University of Idaho where she was also the Editor-in-Chief at Fugue. She was the winner of the University of Idaho’s Academy of American Poets Prize and a finalist in the 2016 Indiana Review ½ K Prize. Her poems have appeared in The Broadsided Press, Great Lakes Review, Indiana Review, Third Point Press, and others. She teaches at Northeastern State University and lives in Fayetteville, AR.