vivian kao

August 4, 2023

On the day the FDA approves the first

pill to treat Postpartum Depression, I

stumble over how to pronounce its name

in my mind, I do not try out loud. I

think of the time I stood at the top of

the stairs in my apartment and threw my

firstborn down them, in my mind, the stairwell

was so dark, I had the light on all day.

I was in the blue bathrobe I wear now,

undone. I put my arms through the fleece sleeves,

cradled him for a thousand nights after,

after I threw myself down there instead,

a stricken heap of futures passed, tumbled

in regret and astonishment, let go.